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Social Status

I often hear teachers and parents talk about the bully being a mean person, saying things like "How can that child be so cruel?" But the truth is that the motivation to bully often has more to do with a developmental need for social approval within a peer group and to simply label the bully as "mean" is too simplistic an explanation.

Bullying rarely occurs in isolation because of the role social status plays in the bully's motivation. Bullying others is seen as a way to gain status and has been proven to be a successful strategy both for socially competent and socially inept individuals.

According to Erik Erikson's stages of development, industry versus inferiority is the psychological conflict of middle childhood, which is resolved positively when experiences lead children to develop a sense of competence at useful skills and tasks. One of those main tasks is learning how to fit in to a peer group. The danger at this stage is inferiority, reflected in the sad pessimism of children who have little confidence in their ability to do things well, like being socially acceptable to others. Some of the key developments going on during this stage are:

- Children begin to make social comparisons in that they judge their appearance, abilities, and behavior in relation to those of others.

- The changing content of self-concept is a product of both cognitive capacities and feedback from others.

- Although parents remain influential, between the ages of 8 and 15 peers become more important.

- Classrooms, playgrounds, and peer groups are key contexts in which children learn to evaluate their own competence.

- By age 7 to 8, children have formed three separate self-esteems-academic, physical, and social-that become more refined with age.

In a 2010 article, Tom Farmer and colleagues reported on the "two social worlds" of bullying: marginalization on the one hand, and connection on the other. Socially marginalized bullies "may be fighting against a social system that keeps them on the periphery," whereas socially connected bullies "may use aggression to control" others. This is the essence of inferiority vs industry at work in a social context.

Unpopular bullies are often shunted into peer groups with other bullies, and sometimes even with those they harass. Marginalized bullies, more often boys than girls, have a host of problems of which bullying behavior is but one manifestation. Their bullying might stem from an inability to control their impulsive actions, a negative home environment or from a desire to gain status that generally eludes them. They feel inferior and use bullying to gain mastery over something, or in this case, someone.

Socially connected bullies tend to be proactive and goal-directed in their aggression. They have lots of experience with peers, perhaps as far back as the day-care years (Rodkin & Roisman, 2010). Some bullies incorporate prosocial strategies into their behavioral repertoire, for example reconciling with their targets after conflict or becoming less aggressive once they have established a clear dominance relationship (Pellegrini et al., 2010). This type of bully has learned how to use bullying to further their social agenda and feel more socially industrious.

The point is that to label bullies as "mean" is to simplistic and to try to discipline a bully into compliance will miss the mark. In order for us to deal with bullying effectively, we must take a closer look at the motivating factors behind the aggression so we can design effective interventions that will help us teach children how to acquire the developmental competencies they need to feel connect and industrious in the world as they move forward.

Societal Issue

I used to love watching the NFL but my interested has waned in recent years as there are so few good people to root for and so many unlikable characters who act as if violence and bullying on and off the field is the preferred way of getting what they want or think they deserve.

NFL Superstar, Adrian Peterson, is on trial for "whopping" his children and in defense of his actions he said something to the effect of "That kind of punishment is what kept me on the straight and narrow growing up." NBA star Charles Barkley even came to Peterson's defense saying that "every black parent in the South whips their children."

NFL star, Ray Rice, was recently released from his team after a video surfaced of him punching and knocking out his pregnant girlfriend. Jonathan Dwyer was recently arrested for head butting his girlfriend because she won't have sex with him and throwing a shoe at his 17 month old son.

The Kansas City Chiefs beat the New England Patriots 41 to 14 last week and on the post game show Trent Dilfer, ESPN commentator and former NFL quarterback, described it by saying "it's like a weak kid getting beat up by the bully, it's just what happens when you don't have what it takes to stand up for yourself."

We now have cage fighting and professional wrestling on all the time and kids watch as people use violence to earn money and make a name for themselves. A lot of people complain about video games but these are real people that we root for and whose jerseys we wear with pride.

Bullystatistic.org list several reasons why people bully with number 1 being "In a culture that is fascinated with winning, power, and violence, some experts suggest that it is unrealistic to expect that people will not be influenced to seek power through violence in their own lives." I guess the NFL and professional sports in general, is proof of that.

Parks & Wreck

My wife and I recently discovered Parks and Recreation on Netflix and we've been enjoying watching a few episodes at the end of our day. The show has some amazing writing and it really makes us laugh. But it's also a bit disturbing to me because of the overt bullying of the Jim O'Heir, aka Jerry Gergich.

I know that the show's characters are an exaggeration of real life personality types but kids don't. Young brains believe that what they see is real, especially during the concrete stage of development between the ages of 6-12, which coincide with the first 6 years of school when negative coping skills are often learned.

We develop most of our interpersonal coping strategies on the playgrounds of elementary school and we either use the skills we've been taught or those we've been exposed to. Media is an increasingly important component of information for young people about how the world works. As they continue to be "educated" by messages that often misrepresent the true nature and dangers of bullying, they may interpret our message of respect and consideration for others as unnecessary and even ridiculous.

I mention this not because I want TV to change or I think we, as educators, can control the types of shows our students are watching. I mention it because we need to be fully aware of how bullying is viewed outside of the halls of education so we're prepared to deal with the obvious contradictions our students see everyday.

Other examples of "do what I say, not what I do" are easy to find. Talk radio and network news casts are full of hate and negativity towards others which students can easily be exposed to in the car or at home. Parents often talk about co-workers and other adults with great distain and even the teacher's lounge can sometimes be guilty of clickish and mean.

What can we do? We can talk about the shows they're watching and how characters are being treated. We can talk about how most of us would feel if we were being treated that way. We can talk about how the news works and why it tends to be so negative. We can talk about why adults sometimes don't get a long and how we all could do a better job of following the golden rule.

We can talk about the difference between the human tendency to judge others from the inhuman tendency to act out on those judgements. We can talk about the difference between liking everyone and being civil to each other. We can be real and have an honest conversations about what's really going on and leave the the utopian rhetoric out of it. The more honest we are in our conversations with our students, the more they'll listen and respect what we have to say.

The Bully Byte Blog

The big push in health care is prevention. Exercise, eat right and have the yearly exams you need for early detection. Every time I hear one of those commercials, I think about the current debate around bullying. Is bullying something that just happens or is it a disease that grows out of years of neglect like a tumor? Does the child who eventually becomes the bully have contributing factors and bad personal habits that can be minimized with the appropriate intervention, education and practice? 

The answer is yes and this is where we need to start in our efforts to reduce bullying in our schools. No one will argue the devastating effects of real bullying on the life of a person, young or old, but most bullies aren’t born. Most bullies develop these negative coping strategies after years of compensating for poor skills and limited social success. And whether we like it or not, so do most victims.

Current legislation is focused almost entirely on dealing with the problem after it's already happening. The idea is that a Zero Tolerance policy against all things negative will protect the school. Prosecution and punishment will convince the bully to think twice before they tease another kid or send another nasty email. I live in California and the size of our prison system and the recidivism rate leads me to believe that education is the key to long-term change, not fear based policies.

Texas is debating how to deal with the problem and several of the state legislators have asked what behaviors constitute bullying? We don't even have national definition at this point. If there's as much bullying going on as we've been told, where are we going to put all these kids; alternative schools or jail? Are these bad people that can’t be helped or are they young people who need more education and intervention? If they need more training and positive role modeling, is this the responsibility of the school system? 

Finally, what is the role of social skills education and when should it be implemented; after the bully has been identified or as part of the fabric of education starting as soon as a child walks through our doors? Does the victim need help and if so, what kind of help and intervention do they need? We don't want to blame the victim but we also don't want to create a victim mentality that might follow an individual into later life. 

All these questions and more will be part of the Bully Bytes Blog. We'll look at the difference between conflict and bullying and give you tools to identify and work with both issues. We'll give you tools that will help you teach problem solving, motivation, social skills, conflict resolution and help you identify the bullies & victims in your mist. Thanks for your time and remember; punishment won't create the behaviors we want, they have to be taught. If not us, who; if not now, when.

Character Education 2.0

I grew up in a pretty normal family for my generation. Dad went to work and Mom stayed home. We went to church every Sunday and ate together every evening. My siblings and I were taught basic manners like saying ma'am and sir when addressing adults and how to behave appropriately in public. And we were held accountable if we didn't adhere to these standards, often through the use of corporal punishment.

Although we moved quite often, we were always surrounded by a large network of loving and caring adults who cared deeply about us and were there if we needed them. We had a large extended family that we spent holidays and vacations with almost every year. Basic social skills were ingrained in the fabric of our upbringing. Unfortunately, our public education system still believes that this is the case for most students.

The majority of today's school aged children aren't growing up in this kind of environment and most have not been taught the social skills they need for success. What's changed? Often times, both parents are working and have less time for direct family interaction. Many children come from single parent households that are struggling to meet the basic physical needs of the family.

Fewer families are members of faith communities and have much more spread out familial and social networks that aren't able to help raise socially competent children. Then there's technology which is also effecting children's development of these crucial skills. According to a report out of the University of Arkansas:

• Children’s increased use of smart phones and tablets can hinder the development of parts of their brain that affect social skills. 
• Parents who use phones and iPads as a substitute for their own interactions are compromising the development of the attention center of the brain. 
• The parts of the brain that determine attention span can be severely limited if boredom is immediately alleviated rather than endured. 
• The early years of childhood are when the brain is most susceptible to suggestion and molding. Parents who use these device as a means of escaping awkward situations are compromising their children’s ability to cope in the future. 
• More than 70 percent of children under the age of 8 use a smartphone weekly and 28 percent of parents use technology as a parenting supplement. 

What are the consequences of poor social skills? According to the National Association of School Psychologists they are as follows:

• Experience difficulties in interpersonal relationships with parents, teachers, and peers. 
• Evoke highly negative responses from others that lead to high levels of peer rejection. Peer rejection has been linked on several occasions with school violence. 
• Show signs of depression, aggression and anxiety. 
• Demonstrate poor academic performance as an indirect consequence. 
• Show a higher incidence of involvement in the criminal justice system as adults. 

Those are serious consequences that have lasting negative consequences on the prospects for these children. So what are most public schools doing to combat these negative outcomes?

• Requiring teachers to use all their teachable time on strict set of standards that don't directly address or allow for the teaching of social skills. 
• Cutting counselor out of school budgets. 
• Hanging poster on the wall that list expected behaviors and consequences for noncompliance. 

We can no longer allow our education system to push social skills development to the back of the proverbial bus. We can no longer allow schools to use social promotion and harsh punishments to push students through or entirely out of our education system and into the criminal justice system. If not us, who? If not now, when?