Letter to a victim...

A teacher friend asked me if I would talk to her nephew because he was suffering from ptsd and panic attacks after being bullied for several years. We connected via email and he's been asking me a lot of questions, one of which was "how long will these feelings last?" What follows was my reply.

You're a teenager which in my opinion is the hardest period of life. You have so much going on in your head and things are changing so fast. Believe it or not, none of your peers really have an idea of who they are or where they want to be either.

They may act like they have it all together but the reality is that most of them are just as scared as your are. Sure they hide behind friends, sports, dating etc. but those things can all be taken away so quickly and they know that. They have more to lose and therefore are probably even more afraid.

You've gotten to the bottom and are asking hard questions and facing your fears. This is a great place to be because now you can begin to recreate yourself in your own image. As Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true". This is the time to find something you're passionate about and begin to create a life on purpose.

People ask me all the time if I believe in life after death and I tell them that's way above my pay grade. I'm more concerned with life after birth. So many people are wasting there lives chasing material possessions and public opinion without regard to any real purpose. They're the lost ones my friend, you've been given a gift.

To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

You've seen that the opinion of others is fickle mistress. If I gave up every time someone told me my ideas wouldn't work or I looked ugly on camera, I would have never created my show. I chased material possession and public opinion for 38 years before I realized it was a myth. Then I decided to trust my gut and find something worth doing.

You're 16. Imagine what you can do now that you don't have to please anyone but yourself. But remember, bravery is not the absence of fear, it's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. How long will the feeling last? At some level, the rest of your life. If you're doing it right.

People Like Me...

I got a Facebook invite from an old high school friend today and I'm not sure I want to accept it because it reminds me of the person I used to be and I don't like it. Back then, I was a bully. Back then, I was scared all the time. Back then, I used anger and violence to protect myself from feeling out of control and bullying is all about power and control.

The scariest thing for people like me is to feel vulnerable and when we do, we use anger and violence to regain the upper hand, if only for the moment. People like me don't know how to express our feelings and have an even harder time dealing with the feelings of others. We're okay with mad or glad, black or white and that's about it. And we also do funny. We like to laugh at others, but never at ourselves.

On the other hand, people like me were victims too. We grew up in places that weren't safe, raised by people who tried to control us to make themselves feel safe. We walked on eggshells and dreaded the sound of the car door slamming at the end of the day. We were taught how to bully by bullies. This is not an excuse, it's a call to action.

Why? Because I'm not that person anymore. I made a conscious choice to change and was lucky enough to have teachers who were willing to help me, not punish me. Punishing the bully is what we expect and will only codify our belief system about problem solving. We have to teach children how to feel and how to treat others not just pay lip service to it. Emotional intelligence is the key to long term success and personal satisfaction. People like me can learn a different way.

I didn't realize that until I was around some of my old bullies last week and realized I had actually changed. I'm truly grateful for my teachers who cared enough to not throw me away or let me fall through the cracks. One of the things they taught me how to do was to write about things that were bothering me. Sharing this with you really helped me feel better and as soon as I post this, I'm going to say yes to that invitation.

My Deepest Respect

Respect is an important word in our efforts to curb bullying but did you know there are 9 definitions for respect in the dictionary? As a noun, respect is defined as "deep admiration for someone or something based on their abilities or achievements" and as "due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights and traditions of others". As a verb, respect is defined as "to admire someone or something deeply" and as "to avoid harming or interfering with someone or something".

We tell children that we expect them to treat each other with respect but there's a huge difference between admiration and regard. It's essential that we teach children the basics and tell them exactly what we want and what that looks like. They're children, they don't have complete access to higher end cognitive skills like empathy and compassion yet. The brain doesn't get fully into the frontal lobe until after age 25.

In order to know something, we must name it. In order to solve a problem we must define it. I tell students all the time that we don't expect them to be best friends with everyone or even to like everyone. We simply expect them to do no harm. Children need to know that's it's okay to not get along with someone or to even vehemently dislike or disagree with another person world view but it's not okay to intentionally hurt that person over and over again for their own pleasure.

I worry that we give kids false expectations when we talk about everyone getting along and the world being one big happy place. Sure that's a direction to move toward, but the reality of the world they see everyday is not like that. If we can start by getting them to leave each other alone, we'll be making real progress.

Lao-tzu reminded us that "a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step" and President Lyndon Johnson went on to say that "Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time". Let's start with the basics and focus on teaching children to do less harm and move forward from there.

In closing, I'd like to thank 2 people I truly admire and respect: Dana and Bob May. My brother is a Marine Major who has been deployed 5 times in the last 10 years and 16 of the last 21 months. Dana and Bob have 2 young children Conner and Grace, who Dana has done an amazing job of protecting and parenting in Bob's absence. This is the top of the pyramid when it comes to respect in my mind. But as with most things, it takes time and patience to get there.  Thank you Dana & Bob.

Zero Sum Game

The Zero Sum Game is a wonderful solution in math but when it comes to the human development field, zero is the problem. Research indicates that Zero Tolerance is a pathway to prison and common sense indicates that  Zero Rejection would create more entitlement and endanger teachers.

Conversations like this are often argued based on all or nothing; black or white thinking. While the prudent course is often the middle path that says:
a) We need to do more to educate children socially and emotionally.
b) And, we realize that some are beyond our reach and that's why we created the social net.

I like the RTI model which identifies 80-90% of young people as socially aware and can be taught new skills rather easily, while 5-15% struggle socially and need additional help, and 1-3% who need a lot of work when it comes to interacting with others and honestly may never get there.

We currently have  over 2.5 millions Americans in prison which is about 7% of our population. That's way out of line with the numbers identified by RTI.  What that means to me is that we're pushing this problem down the road, either thru zero tolerance or zero rejection. We aren't teaching kids how to get along. We're trying to train them with edgy signs and moving assemblies.

We need to be actively teaching and encouraging social emotional literacy in our schools, while at the same time, identifying those who need additional help and make it available immediately. These problems don't go away on their own. This is not a zero sum game.  

Let Them Eat Cake...

A new report from Oxfam shows that the world’s richest 85 people now have the same amount of wealth ($1.7 trillion) as the bottom half the world’s population combined (that’s 3.5 billion people). The world’s wealthiest 1 percent have $110 trillion, 65 times the total wealth of the bottom half of the world. 

That coincides nicely with another article I read that points out "that a high proportion of CEO’s of major companies are sociopaths sharing some or all of the following traits with sociopaths: incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse; seek to dominate others and “win” at all costs; incapable of love and never apologize.”

What does that sound like to you Bully Byters? Sounds to me like in this day and age, being a bully is a good thing. We're telling kids to play nice and follow the golden rule but they know the score. The field isn't level and if they want to get ahead they're best served by doing it without regard for others.

And what about the American Dream? The claim is that America offers equal opportunity to all but there's a big difference between opportunity and access. All Americans have equal access to the public library but if I can't read, the opportunity to take advantage of that access is severely limited.

Meanwhile, a majority of kids see us working longer hours at jobs they don't like to earn the right to keep the economic engine of this country purring by consuming more. Then we give those goods to our kids in exchange for our time and to appease our guilt. What kids need is our time and attention not more stuff. But if you're raised up in a country based on the concept that the person with the most toys wins, it easy to see why kids bully.

But I think things are starting to change. I believe that there is a growing sense among young people that this can't be right. They see what's happening around them and that material possessions and consumption don't fill the growing hole in our collective soul. There's a whole lot more of us then there are of them and we all know what happened the last time...

Warmongers

I grew up in a military family so maybe that's why I never really noticed this until now but what is it with us Americans and waging war on things? I googled "War On..." and came up with The War On - Drugs, Christmas, Terror, Poverty, Kids, Football, Women, Democracy, Childhood Obesity and even Words themselves just to name a few.

We have come to realize that words are very powerful and that the words we use say a lot about us and effect how we see an idea or a problem. How are we supposed to teach our kids empathy when we "attack" every issue we face with a war? The word war conjures up ideas like an enemy that must be destroyed, battle, bloodshed and death.

Out of one side of our mouths, we tell children to be civil with each other and to solve problems using their heads instead of their hands. Out of the other side, we wage war against the issues we're facing in our society. And now there's a War On Bullying.

The words we use with ourselves and others plays a huge role in perception. I tell kids all the time that the way we think and talk colors the reality of what we experience. If our thoughts and words are hopeful and positive, the world seems more safe and open to possibility. If our thoughts and words are dark and brooding, the world appears scary and unreceptive.

Maybe we'll start to make some progress on things like bullying when we stop waging war and start actively teaching our children about concepts like human dignity, fairness, respect and empathy instead of paying lip service to it or hanging a poster on the wall.  I agree that bullies need to be stopped in our schools but not as an enemy to be destroyed but instead as a human being in need of further education.