Victim Mentality...

One of the aspect of the bully debate that I don't think gets enough attention is what we can do to really help the victims. I went to a domestic violence training a few years ago and the guest speaker was a victim. She told a harrowing tale of the mental and physical abuse that she and her 5 year old son had experienced at the hands of her then husband, not the son's father, who she referred to as Spider.

I was moved by the whole story but the thing that really got me was how it ended. She told us that she finally found the strength to leave Spider after a particularly bad beating he had given her son and then hesitated and almost under her breath said, "but it took me three more relationships with men just like Spider to finally break free of the cycle of violence". 

I'm not blaming victims but I do worry about the development of a victim mentality and if we do enough to discourage it from developing in victims of bullying. I not blaming parents of victims but I believe we can do children harm by placing responsibility completely on the bully.

It reminds me of the story last week of the little boy who was being bullied for his choice of backpack and how the school was immediately vilified because someone had the nerve to tell the young man that his choices might be playing some role in what was happening. They didn't tell him he couldn't bring the bag, they explained to him that doing so might create negative attention.

We have to do everything we can to help educate the bullies that the choice of a backpack is not an excuse to hurt someone. But isn't it also our job to educate the young man that choices have consequences while still encouraging him to be an individual with the freedom to make that choice?

It's a basic tenant of human society that no one has the right to physically assault another human being for any reason other than to defend themselves. But looking at people differently based on how they dress or act is also a part of the human condition, especially for young people who's brains aren't even close to be fully cognizant. 

Another thing the woman from the DV training told us was that Spider had tattoos all over his chest, arms and neck and it made it very difficult for him to get work. I wonder if anyone ever mentioned that to Spider. You have the right to get tattoos where ever you want, but people might look at you differently if you tattoo your face and neck. 

There are more and more people feeling like they are the victim of something, whether it be the government, another race or one kind of "ism" or another and what concerns me is a growing lack of personal responsibility. In my mind the middle path is to teach tolerance and respect AND to teach young people that choices have consequences.  It would be a lot harder for the Spider's of this world to exist if they didn't have so victims to chose from. 

Common Core Craziness...

When I read the headline that Indiana was the first state to leave Common Core, I was excited because I thought it meant that the idea of educating the whole child was beginning to take hold. But then I read the article and my stomach sank. It's purely a political move by conservative lawmakers in the state who believe that Common Core is a liberal attempt to indoctrinate our children in it's socialist agenda. 

Conservative critics of the program go on to say that Common Core is "a top-down takeover of local schools" and an assault on real American values, which is interesting because it's the direct descendant of No Child Left Behind, which was a conservative education program widely criticized by democrats as a "top-down takeover of local schools" as well as being discriminatory towards students of color.

The article goes on to say that Indiana will most likely adopt standards very similar to Common Core and are leaving it in name only as a way of thumbing their nose at the Obama administration. Just another example of the extremes that characterize our current political debates. I'm starting to think that it's not in the best interest of either party to improve our public education system as a truly educated electorate would jeopardize the status quo. 

The question of how we educate our children is essential to the future of our country and we can't let it get lost in partisan politicking. There's plenty to complain about but complaining will get us no where. I for one plan to keep doing the little things everyday to help our kids acquire the skills they need to really succeed and if they want my job fine, let them have it. It's a great time to open a charter school. Thanks for all you do everyday to help "socialize" our future.

Who's the real bully?

I believe that we need to teach social skills to our children and I travel around the country sharing that message with teachers. Some are open to the idea but most simply say that they have no time due to the standards that are being forced upon them by Common Core.

Bullying is about power and control. The standards are about power and control. We have over 50 million students attending public elementary and secondary schools in the US and the proponents of Common Core believe that it's my way or the highway for kids in our public school system.

When Jeb Bush comes out and says the "Common Core is not a federal takeover of the local classroom", I get worried because it was his brother that got this all started with No Child Left Behind in 2001.

My wife, FIlipa, is Portuguese and there are about 2 million students in their version of the K-12 system over there and they don't have Common Core. They are educating less than 5% of the number of kids we are and are doing a much better job without a top down strategy.  

Teachers tell me they want to help kids acquire the social skills they need to succeed. They tell me they want to be more involved in their lives and spend time talking about character education but they are worried that if they do, they will fall short on the tests and that will cost them the job they love. That sounds like bullying to me. 

The Prophecy, I Made It Up...

My wife, Filipa, and I went to see the Lego Movie the other day and we really enjoyed it. I wouldn't say it's a kids movie though as it explores some very real philosophical questions like the power of belief and self fulfilling prophecies.

The main character, Emmit, starts out being a conformist who questions nothing and is happy to just be a cog in the machine run by Lord Business. But then Emmit accidentally finds the Piece of Resistance which a prophecy claims makes him the "Special" destine to save the world.

As Emmit is encouraged to believe that he is the Special, things start to change and he finds the courage to take more risks and think outside the box. Even after we find out that the Prophecy is made up, Emmit is able to build off the confidence he's gained and continue to lead.

Emmit's new found belief that he's valuable makes it so, a self fulfilling prophecy. As educators, we need to be keenly aware of the power of the self fulfilling prophecy when we speak to or label the students in our care. How they think and talk about themselves will have a much bigger impact on their lives then anything else we teach.

Unfortunately, most of us won't have the good fortune of a prophecy that changes how we think about ourselves in an instant after years of negative self talk. There's no quick fix when it comes to improving our internal dialogue, which is the voice of the self fulfilling prophecy.

It's especially important we keep this in mind when we're dealing with social skills issues and bullying. There's no quick fix. As children grow, they develop coping strategies and those strategies, however socially awkward or unacceptable, help them deal with the life challenges they face. In order for real change to take place, new strategies must be taught and practiced.

We can stop the bully and protect the victim but then what? If the bully isn't taught new strategies, the cycle of violence and abuse will continue. If the victim isn't taught new strategies and ways of thinking about themselves, a victim mentality can easily take hold.

Hanging up slogans about bullying, creating bully free zones and encouraging bystanders to intervene may create a safer school in the short term but it won't help develop healthier human beings, which is what I thought education was all about. Maybe someone made that up as well.

Fighting Back...

I was bullied when I was in 7th grade by a 8th grader who rode my bus. He constantly tormented me for the 6 months that I went to that school and we had two fights, both of which I lost. When I told my dad about it he told me to "stand up for myself and fight back".

My wife was also bullied when she was in school but her parents took a different approach. They constantly reminded her of how smart and talented she was and to ignore the bullies attempts to steal the smile of her beautiful face. She was taught to cope, I was taught to fight back.

One of my favorite stories is when she saw her bully at a reunion and the woman tried to apologize for all "the pain she had caused". My wife simply looked at her and said, "you didn't cause me any pain. No need to apologize, I forgot about you years ago".

I still struggle with my demons and my wife has put hers to rest and I believe the approach we take as adults when dealing with bullying is crucial. Kids often report that one of the reasons they don't tell their parents about bullying is because they are afraid that they will be told to fight back and are scared to do so.

As I'm writing this, I received an email from my brother about a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training program designed to help victims defend themselves. My brother has been doing BJJ for the last few years and really loves and believes in it and it's been great for him.

While I do believe in the benefits of raising a child's self esteem and confidence with training like this and that kids who are in physical danger must protect themselves, the idea of fighting back isn't a tenable problem solving strategy for dealing with most of the rest of life's challenges.

Teaching the child to avoid or walk away, to not react, to talk about their feelings and to constantly encourage them and remind them that their self-esteem is determined by they way they think, not by what others do or say, will be much more beneficial to them as they move through life.

My wife is much better at dealing with conflict then I am. She is quick to discuss it and express her feelings assertively and confidently while I'm scared of conflict because I don't know how I'll react if it escalates. My fear is that I'll fight back.

If only dogs could talk...

My wife and I dog sit because we love dogs and don't have one right now. We've been watching 2 dogs for the last week who have stayed with us a few times before. In the past, they have been a joy to have in our home. This time, not so much.

They present as anxious, needy, they bark at the slightest noise, growl menacingly at each other when they're playing in the yard and have had daily accidents when we're away or at night when we're in our room without them.

We've have had several long conversation with each other and with them about what might be going on. Maybe their owner has a new partner or job and doesn't spent as much time with them. Maybe they moved to a new place and don't get as much exercise. Maybe they're mad at me because I yelled after finding a large poop in my kitchen or maybe we're too easy on them.

And we're not alone, everyone I know who has a dog talks to it constantly and is always trying to figure out what's going on inside that fury head. Interestingly though, my neighbor came up to me yesterday and told me he wasn't happy that I was keeping two obviously vicious dogs at my house because he has 2 small children.

They do look a little scary, one's a rottweiler and the other a pit bull, but they're actually very loving to us and to each other when they're in the house. They lay in my office with me all day and even sleep together in the same bed at night.

But my neighbor wasn't interested in any explanations and told me they needed to go and not come back. He'd decided that these dogs were dangerous and he didn't want them around. These same kinds of snap judgements and stereotypical reactions happen all the time in our schools with kids who struggle socially.

Kids get labeled "good" or "bad" very quickly and it's usually not a bad kid. It's a kid with a limited set of skills or one who comes from a challenging situation and is anxious everyday wondering what they may or may not find when they get home.

Many times, parents, teachers and school officials are quick to react whenever one of these labeled children acts out by punishing them or removing them without asking a single question to find out what's going on at home or wondering for a second what they might be doing to exacerbate the situation. What I want to know is what's going on inside their fury little heads. If only dogs could talk? Kids can, if we give them a chance.