Fighting Back...

I was bullied when I was in 7th grade by a 8th grader who rode my bus. He constantly tormented me for the 6 months that I went to that school and we had two fights, both of which I lost. When I told my dad about it he told me to "stand up for myself and fight back".

My wife was also bullied when she was in school but her parents took a different approach. They constantly reminded her of how smart and talented she was and to ignore the bullies attempts to steal the smile of her beautiful face. She was taught to cope, I was taught to fight back.

One of my favorite stories is when she saw her bully at a reunion and the woman tried to apologize for all "the pain she had caused". My wife simply looked at her and said, "you didn't cause me any pain. No need to apologize, I forgot about you years ago".

I still struggle with my demons and my wife has put hers to rest and I believe the approach we take as adults when dealing with bullying is crucial. Kids often report that one of the reasons they don't tell their parents about bullying is because they are afraid that they will be told to fight back and are scared to do so.

As I'm writing this, I received an email from my brother about a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training program designed to help victims defend themselves. My brother has been doing BJJ for the last few years and really loves and believes in it and it's been great for him.

While I do believe in the benefits of raising a child's self esteem and confidence with training like this and that kids who are in physical danger must protect themselves, the idea of fighting back isn't a tenable problem solving strategy for dealing with most of the rest of life's challenges.

Teaching the child to avoid or walk away, to not react, to talk about their feelings and to constantly encourage them and remind them that their self-esteem is determined by they way they think, not by what others do or say, will be much more beneficial to them as they move through life.

My wife is much better at dealing with conflict then I am. She is quick to discuss it and express her feelings assertively and confidently while I'm scared of conflict because I don't know how I'll react if it escalates. My fear is that I'll fight back.