Social Status

I often hear teachers and parents talk about the bully being a mean person, saying things like "How can that child be so cruel?" But the truth is that the motivation to bully often has more to do with a developmental need for social approval within a peer group and to simply label the bully as "mean" is too simplistic an explanation.

Bullying rarely occurs in isolation because of the role social status plays in the bully's motivation. Bullying others is seen as a way to gain status and has been proven to be a successful strategy both for socially competent and socially inept individuals.

According to Erik Erikson's stages of development, industry versus inferiority is the psychological conflict of middle childhood, which is resolved positively when experiences lead children to develop a sense of competence at useful skills and tasks. One of those main tasks is learning how to fit in to a peer group. The danger at this stage is inferiority, reflected in the sad pessimism of children who have little confidence in their ability to do things well, like being socially acceptable to others. Some of the key developments going on during this stage are:

- Children begin to make social comparisons in that they judge their appearance, abilities, and behavior in relation to those of others.

- The changing content of self-concept is a product of both cognitive capacities and feedback from others.

- Although parents remain influential, between the ages of 8 and 15 peers become more important.

- Classrooms, playgrounds, and peer groups are key contexts in which children learn to evaluate their own competence.

- By age 7 to 8, children have formed three separate self-esteems-academic, physical, and social-that become more refined with age.

In a 2010 article, Tom Farmer and colleagues reported on the "two social worlds" of bullying: marginalization on the one hand, and connection on the other. Socially marginalized bullies "may be fighting against a social system that keeps them on the periphery," whereas socially connected bullies "may use aggression to control" others. This is the essence of inferiority vs industry at work in a social context.

Unpopular bullies are often shunted into peer groups with other bullies, and sometimes even with those they harass. Marginalized bullies, more often boys than girls, have a host of problems of which bullying behavior is but one manifestation. Their bullying might stem from an inability to control their impulsive actions, a negative home environment or from a desire to gain status that generally eludes them. They feel inferior and use bullying to gain mastery over something, or in this case, someone.

Socially connected bullies tend to be proactive and goal-directed in their aggression. They have lots of experience with peers, perhaps as far back as the day-care years (Rodkin & Roisman, 2010). Some bullies incorporate prosocial strategies into their behavioral repertoire, for example reconciling with their targets after conflict or becoming less aggressive once they have established a clear dominance relationship (Pellegrini et al., 2010). This type of bully has learned how to use bullying to further their social agenda and feel more socially industrious.

The point is that to label bullies as "mean" is to simplistic and to try to discipline a bully into compliance will miss the mark. In order for us to deal with bullying effectively, we must take a closer look at the motivating factors behind the aggression so we can design effective interventions that will help us teach children how to acquire the developmental competencies they need to feel connect and industrious in the world as they move forward.

Societal Issue

I used to love watching the NFL but my interested has waned in recent years as there are so few good people to root for and so many unlikable characters who act as if violence and bullying on and off the field is the preferred way of getting what they want or think they deserve.

NFL Superstar, Adrian Peterson, is on trial for "whopping" his children and in defense of his actions he said something to the effect of "That kind of punishment is what kept me on the straight and narrow growing up." NBA star Charles Barkley even came to Peterson's defense saying that "every black parent in the South whips their children."

NFL star, Ray Rice, was recently released from his team after a video surfaced of him punching and knocking out his pregnant girlfriend. Jonathan Dwyer was recently arrested for head butting his girlfriend because she won't have sex with him and throwing a shoe at his 17 month old son.

The Kansas City Chiefs beat the New England Patriots 41 to 14 last week and on the post game show Trent Dilfer, ESPN commentator and former NFL quarterback, described it by saying "it's like a weak kid getting beat up by the bully, it's just what happens when you don't have what it takes to stand up for yourself."

We now have cage fighting and professional wrestling on all the time and kids watch as people use violence to earn money and make a name for themselves. A lot of people complain about video games but these are real people that we root for and whose jerseys we wear with pride.

Bullystatistic.org list several reasons why people bully with number 1 being "In a culture that is fascinated with winning, power, and violence, some experts suggest that it is unrealistic to expect that people will not be influenced to seek power through violence in their own lives." I guess the NFL and professional sports in general, is proof of that.

Parks & Wreck

My wife and I recently discovered Parks and Recreation on Netflix and we've been enjoying watching a few episodes at the end of our day. The show has some amazing writing and it really makes us laugh. But it's also a bit disturbing to me because of the overt bullying of the Jim O'Heir, aka Jerry Gergich.

I know that the show's characters are an exaggeration of real life personality types but kids don't. Young brains believe that what they see is real, especially during the concrete stage of development between the ages of 6-12, which coincide with the first 6 years of school when negative coping skills are often learned.

We develop most of our interpersonal coping strategies on the playgrounds of elementary school and we either use the skills we've been taught or those we've been exposed to. Media is an increasingly important component of information for young people about how the world works. As they continue to be "educated" by messages that often misrepresent the true nature and dangers of bullying, they may interpret our message of respect and consideration for others as unnecessary and even ridiculous.

I mention this not because I want TV to change or I think we, as educators, can control the types of shows our students are watching. I mention it because we need to be fully aware of how bullying is viewed outside of the halls of education so we're prepared to deal with the obvious contradictions our students see everyday.

Other examples of "do what I say, not what I do" are easy to find. Talk radio and network news casts are full of hate and negativity towards others which students can easily be exposed to in the car or at home. Parents often talk about co-workers and other adults with great distain and even the teacher's lounge can sometimes be guilty of clickish and mean.

What can we do? We can talk about the shows they're watching and how characters are being treated. We can talk about how most of us would feel if we were being treated that way. We can talk about how the news works and why it tends to be so negative. We can talk about why adults sometimes don't get a long and how we all could do a better job of following the golden rule.

We can talk about the difference between the human tendency to judge others from the inhuman tendency to act out on those judgements. We can talk about the difference between liking everyone and being civil to each other. We can be real and have an honest conversations about what's really going on and leave the the utopian rhetoric out of it. The more honest we are in our conversations with our students, the more they'll listen and respect what we have to say.

The Bully Byte Blog

The big push in health care is prevention. Exercise, eat right and have the yearly exams you need for early detection. Every time I hear one of those commercials, I think about the current debate around bullying. Is bullying something that just happens or is it a disease that grows out of years of neglect like a tumor? Does the child who eventually becomes the bully have contributing factors and bad personal habits that can be minimized with the appropriate intervention, education and practice? 

The answer is yes and this is where we need to start in our efforts to reduce bullying in our schools. No one will argue the devastating effects of real bullying on the life of a person, young or old, but most bullies aren’t born. Most bullies develop these negative coping strategies after years of compensating for poor skills and limited social success. And whether we like it or not, so do most victims.

Current legislation is focused almost entirely on dealing with the problem after it's already happening. The idea is that a Zero Tolerance policy against all things negative will protect the school. Prosecution and punishment will convince the bully to think twice before they tease another kid or send another nasty email. I live in California and the size of our prison system and the recidivism rate leads me to believe that education is the key to long-term change, not fear based policies.

Texas is debating how to deal with the problem and several of the state legislators have asked what behaviors constitute bullying? We don't even have national definition at this point. If there's as much bullying going on as we've been told, where are we going to put all these kids; alternative schools or jail? Are these bad people that can’t be helped or are they young people who need more education and intervention? If they need more training and positive role modeling, is this the responsibility of the school system? 

Finally, what is the role of social skills education and when should it be implemented; after the bully has been identified or as part of the fabric of education starting as soon as a child walks through our doors? Does the victim need help and if so, what kind of help and intervention do they need? We don't want to blame the victim but we also don't want to create a victim mentality that might follow an individual into later life. 

All these questions and more will be part of the Bully Bytes Blog. We'll look at the difference between conflict and bullying and give you tools to identify and work with both issues. We'll give you tools that will help you teach problem solving, motivation, social skills, conflict resolution and help you identify the bullies & victims in your mist. Thanks for your time and remember; punishment won't create the behaviors we want, they have to be taught. If not us, who; if not now, when.

Character Education 2.0

I grew up in a pretty normal family for my generation. Dad went to work and Mom stayed home. We went to church every Sunday and ate together every evening. My siblings and I were taught basic manners like saying ma'am and sir when addressing adults and how to behave appropriately in public. And we were held accountable if we didn't adhere to these standards, often through the use of corporal punishment.

Although we moved quite often, we were always surrounded by a large network of loving and caring adults who cared deeply about us and were there if we needed them. We had a large extended family that we spent holidays and vacations with almost every year. Basic social skills were ingrained in the fabric of our upbringing. Unfortunately, our public education system still believes that this is the case for most students.

The majority of today's school aged children aren't growing up in this kind of environment and most have not been taught the social skills they need for success. What's changed? Often times, both parents are working and have less time for direct family interaction. Many children come from single parent households that are struggling to meet the basic physical needs of the family.

Fewer families are members of faith communities and have much more spread out familial and social networks that aren't able to help raise socially competent children. Then there's technology which is also effecting children's development of these crucial skills. According to a report out of the University of Arkansas:

• Children’s increased use of smart phones and tablets can hinder the development of parts of their brain that affect social skills. 
• Parents who use phones and iPads as a substitute for their own interactions are compromising the development of the attention center of the brain. 
• The parts of the brain that determine attention span can be severely limited if boredom is immediately alleviated rather than endured. 
• The early years of childhood are when the brain is most susceptible to suggestion and molding. Parents who use these device as a means of escaping awkward situations are compromising their children’s ability to cope in the future. 
• More than 70 percent of children under the age of 8 use a smartphone weekly and 28 percent of parents use technology as a parenting supplement. 

What are the consequences of poor social skills? According to the National Association of School Psychologists they are as follows:

• Experience difficulties in interpersonal relationships with parents, teachers, and peers. 
• Evoke highly negative responses from others that lead to high levels of peer rejection. Peer rejection has been linked on several occasions with school violence. 
• Show signs of depression, aggression and anxiety. 
• Demonstrate poor academic performance as an indirect consequence. 
• Show a higher incidence of involvement in the criminal justice system as adults. 

Those are serious consequences that have lasting negative consequences on the prospects for these children. So what are most public schools doing to combat these negative outcomes?

• Requiring teachers to use all their teachable time on strict set of standards that don't directly address or allow for the teaching of social skills. 
• Cutting counselor out of school budgets. 
• Hanging poster on the wall that list expected behaviors and consequences for noncompliance. 

We can no longer allow our education system to push social skills development to the back of the proverbial bus. We can no longer allow schools to use social promotion and harsh punishments to push students through or entirely out of our education system and into the criminal justice system. If not us, who? If not now, when?

Common Core Before Character

I often wonder about the driving motivation behind the educational policies of the United States. A free K-12 education is guaranteed to every child but what's the goal of that education? Are we trying to create well rounded, educated citizens who can participate in society or are we creating cogs in the economic machine?

I read an article recently called "Children Need Social & Emotional Skills For School Success" which states that "Elementary school teachers report that it is hard to teach children who are not interested in learning, lack confidence in their own abilities, and have trouble cooperating and controlling themselves."

The article was written for child care professional encouraging them to teach social emotional skills in order to help prepare children for kindergarten. The skills they mentioned were things like following directions, focusing attention, self control, taking turns, working alone and in a group and problem solving without aggression.

Those who decide on our national education policy often refer to social emotional literacy (SEL) and character education as soft skills. "Soft skills is a term associated with Emotional Intelligence Quotient (EQ), the personality traits and habits that characterize one's relationship to themselves and others. These experts contend that while EQ does compliment "hard skills" like IQ and occupational requirements, it can't be tested or quantified so it should have a secondary role in the education of our children.

This is a classic example of putting the cart in front of the horse. Basic character traits are needed for learning to take place. Learning how to read, write and do arithmetic requires that students have a foundational understanding of respect, responsibility and resiliency. A cart without a horse is essentially useless, as it trying to force feed children a curriculum without first teaching them the character traits they need to sit still, focus and pay attention.

There is an ongoing debate about the malleability of IQ but there is no such debate about EQ. IQ represents potential while EQ represents the skills necessary to turn potential into reality. If IQ is basically a fixed point, why not spend more time and treasure on the soft skills a person needs to be a functioning member of society at whatever level they're capable of participating and contributing.

IQ or EQ, which is the cart and which the horse?

Rights vs Responsibilities

Garth Thompson, principle at the Eden School in South Africa, made a comment on my last blog post, Victim Mentality, which really resonated with me. Garth said, "The problem is that people are more focused on their rights than they are on their responsibilities".

That comment reminded me of a magazine I read called The Week. Each issue has a section called "Only in America" which reports on individuals who have brought lawsuits for one reason or another. Here are some examples from the last few issues:

• A model who is suing a radio show host for $500,000 for bruising her bottom after she agreed to allow him to hit a golf ball of of her rear end at a Playboy Mansion publicity stunt.
• A Florida teen cost her father the $80,000 he won in an age-discrimination lawsuit but gloating about it on Facebook, thus violating the confidentiality clause. She posted that the former employer was "officially paying for my vacation in Europe - SUCK IT".
• A Colorado man, who flipped his car while driving on flooded roads, is suing the First Responders who saved his life for $500,000 because they should have gotten there sooner. The man said, "I'm glad to be alive but I'm looking for some help in paying my bills".

We hear things like this more and more these days and it concerns me that the kind of individualism that made America great is slowly being replaced by a more narcissistic notion of individual rights. Parents often foster this idea by being overly attentive and involved in their children's lives at school.

As educators, I believe we have a duty to continuously encourage personal responsibility and resiliency in our daily interactions with the young people in our care. We can do this in a number of simple ways:

• Take time to talk with your class about what responsibility is to you and what it looks like in your classroom.
• Take responsibility for all your decisions in class and admit when you make a mistake.
• Use "responsible" language when talking to students like "I like the way you took care of your responsibility by doing your work."
• When students are rewarded, attribute it to them being responsible and doing what you asked them to do.

It's the little things we do everyday that make the biggest difference in our student's lives. The more we focus on and reward responsible behavior in our classroom, the more we can help them understand that "life, liberty and the pursue of happiness" comes, not at the expense of others, but with great personal responsibility.

Victim Mentality...

One of the aspect of the bully debate that I don't think gets enough attention is what we can do to really help the victims. I went to a domestic violence training a few years ago and the guest speaker was a victim. She told a harrowing tale of the mental and physical abuse that she and her 5 year old son had experienced at the hands of her then husband, not the son's father, who she referred to as Spider.

I was moved by the whole story but the thing that really got me was how it ended. She told us that she finally found the strength to leave Spider after a particularly bad beating he had given her son and then hesitated and almost under her breath said, "but it took me three more relationships with men just like Spider to finally break free of the cycle of violence". 

I'm not blaming victims but I do worry about the development of a victim mentality and if we do enough to discourage it from developing in victims of bullying. I not blaming parents of victims but I believe we can do children harm by placing responsibility completely on the bully.

It reminds me of the story last week of the little boy who was being bullied for his choice of backpack and how the school was immediately vilified because someone had the nerve to tell the young man that his choices might be playing some role in what was happening. They didn't tell him he couldn't bring the bag, they explained to him that doing so might create negative attention.

We have to do everything we can to help educate the bullies that the choice of a backpack is not an excuse to hurt someone. But isn't it also our job to educate the young man that choices have consequences while still encouraging him to be an individual with the freedom to make that choice?

It's a basic tenant of human society that no one has the right to physically assault another human being for any reason other than to defend themselves. But looking at people differently based on how they dress or act is also a part of the human condition, especially for young people who's brains aren't even close to be fully cognizant. 

Another thing the woman from the DV training told us was that Spider had tattoos all over his chest, arms and neck and it made it very difficult for him to get work. I wonder if anyone ever mentioned that to Spider. You have the right to get tattoos where ever you want, but people might look at you differently if you tattoo your face and neck. 

There are more and more people feeling like they are the victim of something, whether it be the government, another race or one kind of "ism" or another and what concerns me is a growing lack of personal responsibility. In my mind the middle path is to teach tolerance and respect AND to teach young people that choices have consequences.  It would be a lot harder for the Spider's of this world to exist if they didn't have so victims to chose from. 

Common Core Craziness...

When I read the headline that Indiana was the first state to leave Common Core, I was excited because I thought it meant that the idea of educating the whole child was beginning to take hold. But then I read the article and my stomach sank. It's purely a political move by conservative lawmakers in the state who believe that Common Core is a liberal attempt to indoctrinate our children in it's socialist agenda. 

Conservative critics of the program go on to say that Common Core is "a top-down takeover of local schools" and an assault on real American values, which is interesting because it's the direct descendant of No Child Left Behind, which was a conservative education program widely criticized by democrats as a "top-down takeover of local schools" as well as being discriminatory towards students of color.

The article goes on to say that Indiana will most likely adopt standards very similar to Common Core and are leaving it in name only as a way of thumbing their nose at the Obama administration. Just another example of the extremes that characterize our current political debates. I'm starting to think that it's not in the best interest of either party to improve our public education system as a truly educated electorate would jeopardize the status quo. 

The question of how we educate our children is essential to the future of our country and we can't let it get lost in partisan politicking. There's plenty to complain about but complaining will get us no where. I for one plan to keep doing the little things everyday to help our kids acquire the skills they need to really succeed and if they want my job fine, let them have it. It's a great time to open a charter school. Thanks for all you do everyday to help "socialize" our future.

Who's the real bully?

I believe that we need to teach social skills to our children and I travel around the country sharing that message with teachers. Some are open to the idea but most simply say that they have no time due to the standards that are being forced upon them by Common Core.

Bullying is about power and control. The standards are about power and control. We have over 50 million students attending public elementary and secondary schools in the US and the proponents of Common Core believe that it's my way or the highway for kids in our public school system.

When Jeb Bush comes out and says the "Common Core is not a federal takeover of the local classroom", I get worried because it was his brother that got this all started with No Child Left Behind in 2001.

My wife, FIlipa, is Portuguese and there are about 2 million students in their version of the K-12 system over there and they don't have Common Core. They are educating less than 5% of the number of kids we are and are doing a much better job without a top down strategy.  

Teachers tell me they want to help kids acquire the social skills they need to succeed. They tell me they want to be more involved in their lives and spend time talking about character education but they are worried that if they do, they will fall short on the tests and that will cost them the job they love. That sounds like bullying to me. 

The Prophecy, I Made It Up...

My wife, Filipa, and I went to see the Lego Movie the other day and we really enjoyed it. I wouldn't say it's a kids movie though as it explores some very real philosophical questions like the power of belief and self fulfilling prophecies.

The main character, Emmit, starts out being a conformist who questions nothing and is happy to just be a cog in the machine run by Lord Business. But then Emmit accidentally finds the Piece of Resistance which a prophecy claims makes him the "Special" destine to save the world.

As Emmit is encouraged to believe that he is the Special, things start to change and he finds the courage to take more risks and think outside the box. Even after we find out that the Prophecy is made up, Emmit is able to build off the confidence he's gained and continue to lead.

Emmit's new found belief that he's valuable makes it so, a self fulfilling prophecy. As educators, we need to be keenly aware of the power of the self fulfilling prophecy when we speak to or label the students in our care. How they think and talk about themselves will have a much bigger impact on their lives then anything else we teach.

Unfortunately, most of us won't have the good fortune of a prophecy that changes how we think about ourselves in an instant after years of negative self talk. There's no quick fix when it comes to improving our internal dialogue, which is the voice of the self fulfilling prophecy.

It's especially important we keep this in mind when we're dealing with social skills issues and bullying. There's no quick fix. As children grow, they develop coping strategies and those strategies, however socially awkward or unacceptable, help them deal with the life challenges they face. In order for real change to take place, new strategies must be taught and practiced.

We can stop the bully and protect the victim but then what? If the bully isn't taught new strategies, the cycle of violence and abuse will continue. If the victim isn't taught new strategies and ways of thinking about themselves, a victim mentality can easily take hold.

Hanging up slogans about bullying, creating bully free zones and encouraging bystanders to intervene may create a safer school in the short term but it won't help develop healthier human beings, which is what I thought education was all about. Maybe someone made that up as well.

Fighting Back...

I was bullied when I was in 7th grade by a 8th grader who rode my bus. He constantly tormented me for the 6 months that I went to that school and we had two fights, both of which I lost. When I told my dad about it he told me to "stand up for myself and fight back".

My wife was also bullied when she was in school but her parents took a different approach. They constantly reminded her of how smart and talented she was and to ignore the bullies attempts to steal the smile of her beautiful face. She was taught to cope, I was taught to fight back.

One of my favorite stories is when she saw her bully at a reunion and the woman tried to apologize for all "the pain she had caused". My wife simply looked at her and said, "you didn't cause me any pain. No need to apologize, I forgot about you years ago".

I still struggle with my demons and my wife has put hers to rest and I believe the approach we take as adults when dealing with bullying is crucial. Kids often report that one of the reasons they don't tell their parents about bullying is because they are afraid that they will be told to fight back and are scared to do so.

As I'm writing this, I received an email from my brother about a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training program designed to help victims defend themselves. My brother has been doing BJJ for the last few years and really loves and believes in it and it's been great for him.

While I do believe in the benefits of raising a child's self esteem and confidence with training like this and that kids who are in physical danger must protect themselves, the idea of fighting back isn't a tenable problem solving strategy for dealing with most of the rest of life's challenges.

Teaching the child to avoid or walk away, to not react, to talk about their feelings and to constantly encourage them and remind them that their self-esteem is determined by they way they think, not by what others do or say, will be much more beneficial to them as they move through life.

My wife is much better at dealing with conflict then I am. She is quick to discuss it and express her feelings assertively and confidently while I'm scared of conflict because I don't know how I'll react if it escalates. My fear is that I'll fight back.

If only dogs could talk...

My wife and I dog sit because we love dogs and don't have one right now. We've been watching 2 dogs for the last week who have stayed with us a few times before. In the past, they have been a joy to have in our home. This time, not so much.

They present as anxious, needy, they bark at the slightest noise, growl menacingly at each other when they're playing in the yard and have had daily accidents when we're away or at night when we're in our room without them.

We've have had several long conversation with each other and with them about what might be going on. Maybe their owner has a new partner or job and doesn't spent as much time with them. Maybe they moved to a new place and don't get as much exercise. Maybe they're mad at me because I yelled after finding a large poop in my kitchen or maybe we're too easy on them.

And we're not alone, everyone I know who has a dog talks to it constantly and is always trying to figure out what's going on inside that fury head. Interestingly though, my neighbor came up to me yesterday and told me he wasn't happy that I was keeping two obviously vicious dogs at my house because he has 2 small children.

They do look a little scary, one's a rottweiler and the other a pit bull, but they're actually very loving to us and to each other when they're in the house. They lay in my office with me all day and even sleep together in the same bed at night.

But my neighbor wasn't interested in any explanations and told me they needed to go and not come back. He'd decided that these dogs were dangerous and he didn't want them around. These same kinds of snap judgements and stereotypical reactions happen all the time in our schools with kids who struggle socially.

Kids get labeled "good" or "bad" very quickly and it's usually not a bad kid. It's a kid with a limited set of skills or one who comes from a challenging situation and is anxious everyday wondering what they may or may not find when they get home.

Many times, parents, teachers and school officials are quick to react whenever one of these labeled children acts out by punishing them or removing them without asking a single question to find out what's going on at home or wondering for a second what they might be doing to exacerbate the situation. What I want to know is what's going on inside their fury little heads. If only dogs could talk? Kids can, if we give them a chance.

Letter to a victim...

A teacher friend asked me if I would talk to her nephew because he was suffering from ptsd and panic attacks after being bullied for several years. We connected via email and he's been asking me a lot of questions, one of which was "how long will these feelings last?" What follows was my reply.

You're a teenager which in my opinion is the hardest period of life. You have so much going on in your head and things are changing so fast. Believe it or not, none of your peers really have an idea of who they are or where they want to be either.

They may act like they have it all together but the reality is that most of them are just as scared as your are. Sure they hide behind friends, sports, dating etc. but those things can all be taken away so quickly and they know that. They have more to lose and therefore are probably even more afraid.

You've gotten to the bottom and are asking hard questions and facing your fears. This is a great place to be because now you can begin to recreate yourself in your own image. As Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true". This is the time to find something you're passionate about and begin to create a life on purpose.

People ask me all the time if I believe in life after death and I tell them that's way above my pay grade. I'm more concerned with life after birth. So many people are wasting there lives chasing material possessions and public opinion without regard to any real purpose. They're the lost ones my friend, you've been given a gift.

To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

You've seen that the opinion of others is fickle mistress. If I gave up every time someone told me my ideas wouldn't work or I looked ugly on camera, I would have never created my show. I chased material possession and public opinion for 38 years before I realized it was a myth. Then I decided to trust my gut and find something worth doing.

You're 16. Imagine what you can do now that you don't have to please anyone but yourself. But remember, bravery is not the absence of fear, it's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. How long will the feeling last? At some level, the rest of your life. If you're doing it right.

People Like Me...

I got a Facebook invite from an old high school friend today and I'm not sure I want to accept it because it reminds me of the person I used to be and I don't like it. Back then, I was a bully. Back then, I was scared all the time. Back then, I used anger and violence to protect myself from feeling out of control and bullying is all about power and control.

The scariest thing for people like me is to feel vulnerable and when we do, we use anger and violence to regain the upper hand, if only for the moment. People like me don't know how to express our feelings and have an even harder time dealing with the feelings of others. We're okay with mad or glad, black or white and that's about it. And we also do funny. We like to laugh at others, but never at ourselves.

On the other hand, people like me were victims too. We grew up in places that weren't safe, raised by people who tried to control us to make themselves feel safe. We walked on eggshells and dreaded the sound of the car door slamming at the end of the day. We were taught how to bully by bullies. This is not an excuse, it's a call to action.

Why? Because I'm not that person anymore. I made a conscious choice to change and was lucky enough to have teachers who were willing to help me, not punish me. Punishing the bully is what we expect and will only codify our belief system about problem solving. We have to teach children how to feel and how to treat others not just pay lip service to it. Emotional intelligence is the key to long term success and personal satisfaction. People like me can learn a different way.

I didn't realize that until I was around some of my old bullies last week and realized I had actually changed. I'm truly grateful for my teachers who cared enough to not throw me away or let me fall through the cracks. One of the things they taught me how to do was to write about things that were bothering me. Sharing this with you really helped me feel better and as soon as I post this, I'm going to say yes to that invitation.

My Deepest Respect

Respect is an important word in our efforts to curb bullying but did you know there are 9 definitions for respect in the dictionary? As a noun, respect is defined as "deep admiration for someone or something based on their abilities or achievements" and as "due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights and traditions of others". As a verb, respect is defined as "to admire someone or something deeply" and as "to avoid harming or interfering with someone or something".

We tell children that we expect them to treat each other with respect but there's a huge difference between admiration and regard. It's essential that we teach children the basics and tell them exactly what we want and what that looks like. They're children, they don't have complete access to higher end cognitive skills like empathy and compassion yet. The brain doesn't get fully into the frontal lobe until after age 25.

In order to know something, we must name it. In order to solve a problem we must define it. I tell students all the time that we don't expect them to be best friends with everyone or even to like everyone. We simply expect them to do no harm. Children need to know that's it's okay to not get along with someone or to even vehemently dislike or disagree with another person world view but it's not okay to intentionally hurt that person over and over again for their own pleasure.

I worry that we give kids false expectations when we talk about everyone getting along and the world being one big happy place. Sure that's a direction to move toward, but the reality of the world they see everyday is not like that. If we can start by getting them to leave each other alone, we'll be making real progress.

Lao-tzu reminded us that "a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step" and President Lyndon Johnson went on to say that "Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time". Let's start with the basics and focus on teaching children to do less harm and move forward from there.

In closing, I'd like to thank 2 people I truly admire and respect: Dana and Bob May. My brother is a Marine Major who has been deployed 5 times in the last 10 years and 16 of the last 21 months. Dana and Bob have 2 young children Conner and Grace, who Dana has done an amazing job of protecting and parenting in Bob's absence. This is the top of the pyramid when it comes to respect in my mind. But as with most things, it takes time and patience to get there.  Thank you Dana & Bob.

Zero Sum Game

The Zero Sum Game is a wonderful solution in math but when it comes to the human development field, zero is the problem. Research indicates that Zero Tolerance is a pathway to prison and common sense indicates that  Zero Rejection would create more entitlement and endanger teachers.

Conversations like this are often argued based on all or nothing; black or white thinking. While the prudent course is often the middle path that says:
a) We need to do more to educate children socially and emotionally.
b) And, we realize that some are beyond our reach and that's why we created the social net.

I like the RTI model which identifies 80-90% of young people as socially aware and can be taught new skills rather easily, while 5-15% struggle socially and need additional help, and 1-3% who need a lot of work when it comes to interacting with others and honestly may never get there.

We currently have  over 2.5 millions Americans in prison which is about 7% of our population. That's way out of line with the numbers identified by RTI.  What that means to me is that we're pushing this problem down the road, either thru zero tolerance or zero rejection. We aren't teaching kids how to get along. We're trying to train them with edgy signs and moving assemblies.

We need to be actively teaching and encouraging social emotional literacy in our schools, while at the same time, identifying those who need additional help and make it available immediately. These problems don't go away on their own. This is not a zero sum game.  

Let Them Eat Cake...

A new report from Oxfam shows that the world’s richest 85 people now have the same amount of wealth ($1.7 trillion) as the bottom half the world’s population combined (that’s 3.5 billion people). The world’s wealthiest 1 percent have $110 trillion, 65 times the total wealth of the bottom half of the world. 

That coincides nicely with another article I read that points out "that a high proportion of CEO’s of major companies are sociopaths sharing some or all of the following traits with sociopaths: incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse; seek to dominate others and “win” at all costs; incapable of love and never apologize.”

What does that sound like to you Bully Byters? Sounds to me like in this day and age, being a bully is a good thing. We're telling kids to play nice and follow the golden rule but they know the score. The field isn't level and if they want to get ahead they're best served by doing it without regard for others.

And what about the American Dream? The claim is that America offers equal opportunity to all but there's a big difference between opportunity and access. All Americans have equal access to the public library but if I can't read, the opportunity to take advantage of that access is severely limited.

Meanwhile, a majority of kids see us working longer hours at jobs they don't like to earn the right to keep the economic engine of this country purring by consuming more. Then we give those goods to our kids in exchange for our time and to appease our guilt. What kids need is our time and attention not more stuff. But if you're raised up in a country based on the concept that the person with the most toys wins, it easy to see why kids bully.

But I think things are starting to change. I believe that there is a growing sense among young people that this can't be right. They see what's happening around them and that material possessions and consumption don't fill the growing hole in our collective soul. There's a whole lot more of us then there are of them and we all know what happened the last time...

Warmongers

I grew up in a military family so maybe that's why I never really noticed this until now but what is it with us Americans and waging war on things? I googled "War On..." and came up with The War On - Drugs, Christmas, Terror, Poverty, Kids, Football, Women, Democracy, Childhood Obesity and even Words themselves just to name a few.

We have come to realize that words are very powerful and that the words we use say a lot about us and effect how we see an idea or a problem. How are we supposed to teach our kids empathy when we "attack" every issue we face with a war? The word war conjures up ideas like an enemy that must be destroyed, battle, bloodshed and death.

Out of one side of our mouths, we tell children to be civil with each other and to solve problems using their heads instead of their hands. Out of the other side, we wage war against the issues we're facing in our society. And now there's a War On Bullying.

The words we use with ourselves and others plays a huge role in perception. I tell kids all the time that the way we think and talk colors the reality of what we experience. If our thoughts and words are hopeful and positive, the world seems more safe and open to possibility. If our thoughts and words are dark and brooding, the world appears scary and unreceptive.

Maybe we'll start to make some progress on things like bullying when we stop waging war and start actively teaching our children about concepts like human dignity, fairness, respect and empathy instead of paying lip service to it or hanging a poster on the wall.  I agree that bullies need to be stopped in our schools but not as an enemy to be destroyed but instead as a human being in need of further education.

Obama's Big Ears

In 2011, President Obama shared a story about being bullied in school about his name and his ears. They even went on to have a white house conference on bullying and invited young people from all around the country to share their experiences and come up with new ways to deal with this issue.

What happened?  A video was created and guidelines where sent to all schools about the need to protect young people from this menace then back to business as usual in Washington where making fun of someone's name or the size of their ears pales in comparison to the uncivil way adults in power speak about and treat each other every day of the year.

Daytime television makes a living on the absurd way we interact with each other as well as the talent shows that get a rating boost for being brutally honest to an odd kid with a dream. Why do kids bully? Because they see us doing it.

I spend time in schools all around the country and I see bullying but not on the playgrounds or in the hallways. I see it in the teachers lounge where the pettiness of the playground has somehow seeped into the very staff that's been tasked with the job of teaching our children how to treat one another.

They watch what we do. They listen to what we say. They see us go off to work and do whatever we have to get ahead, to make an extra buck, or just to maintain the status quo. When will it stop? When we start to treat each other better and stop sacrificing human interaction for material possession.

This is from a very popular radio host who doesn't think much of our President. I bet school was a breeze compared to this.